Update IV

So I met with Greg tonight after work. I tried to be upbeat and normal because I didn't want him to feel bad. I had a million questions and a million things to say but I kept drawing a blank. It was reassuring to hear him say certain things, even though I already knew them. I think most important to me was that he said it was a difficult decision for him to make. And I believe him. I saw true pain in his eyes and it tore me up. I feel bad that he feels bad (he couldn't sleep the night before because he felt so guilty). I just want him to be happy. Of course, I wish I was the one who could make him happy. But I got all the answers I was looking for. The hardest thing for me to say was that I loved him. It was important for me to say the words out loud to him, but man, that was difficult. He loved me, too. I know that. That's what makes it hard... I can't imagine anyone loving me like he did. I never did understand why he loved me. But it felt good. I hope I'll always remember that feeling. I nearly got away without crying, but then he had to go and hug me. That killed. I had to walk out of the room. But I came back and we played cards one last time. That meant a lot to me. Silly, I know, but it did. Okay, I also left a little bit in tears (the last hug good-bye), but mostly I think it went well. We ended on good terms and I feel much more at peace. I am losing my best friend, but seeing him gave me hope that maybe I can be friends with him in the future. I'll need time, especially before I see him with Aaron. Oh, I'm also proud of myself for not saying, "If things don't work out with Aaron..." because even though I was dying to, I didn't want to look desperate. I wish he hadn't seen me cry. But otherwise, it was good.

And afterwards I went out with Mark and David. Thank GOD. It made me feel normal. I had a good time, laughed -- like really laughed and forgot about what I was missing. Maybe there is hope for me. I guess the real test now comes as I sit here by myself, alone with my thoughts of Greg. I can't think of my future just yet because all I see is emptiness. But like an alcoholic, I'll just concentrate on the day at hand and no further. I think I just might be able to sleep tonight. I hope Greg sleeps well tonight, too.