Update: Letting Go

I haven't blogged in about a week. One reason is that I didn't feel I had anything new to say. It was the same old hurt, the same old feelings. The other reason is... I didn't want the last happy entry I wrote about Greg and me to get kicked off the front page of my blog. I wanted a reminder of how happy I was because I haven't been happy since Greg broke up with me.

But today I'm letting go. The San Diego pics will probably get bumped and it's probably best that way. This morning, Greg told me he spent the weekend helping Aaron move in. He finally clarified that he WANTED Aaron to move in. I guess I've been feeling like maybe Greg was being manipulated and that I needed to fight for him, protect him from "Big Bad Aaron." But Greg's admission finally made me see that whether Aaron is a good guy or a bad guy, this is what Greg wants. Greg wants Aaron. Not me. And I told Greg what probably hurts most is that I loved him so much, but he was able to turn his feelings off for me so quickly. I makes me feel foolish. And hurt beyond anything else I've ever felt in my life.

So I decided I can't see him anymore. I only make him feel bad, and I don't want to be seen as a burden. And having contact with him only makes me love him more. I wanted to see Greg in person one last time, but he doesn't feel he can pull himself together for it. He admits it's selfish and it makes me kinda mad, but that's how things go. I messaged him, saying I wish I could have him in my life, but I'm not strong enough to be just his friend. I'm barely strong enough imagining him with Aaron. I wrote that I loved him. I wanted that to be the last thing I said to him.

I guess this is where I really have to move on now. I'm trying to forget all my memories of Greg because they just hurt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in love with him because I'll only be reminded of what I've lost. Or maybe I never had it to begin with. Maybe what I should take away from this is that Greg obviously wasn't the right person for me. Because the right person would have stilled loved me. So now I just... wait. Wait until the hurt fades, wait until someone new comes along. Right now though... this HURTS LIKE HELL.