Update XIV

So as luck would have it, just as I was able to fall asleep again, Greg called (in a moment of weakness, I texted him at 9:30 asking to talk). He was visiting his ex-in-laws. We talked and I tried to be strong and be fine, but this sucks. It really does. And then we hung up and he wrote a text saying he hopes I have a good Saturday. I stared at the message and for 20 minutes, tried to decide what to write back. And I felt anger. I'm not sure why, but I just felt like I hated him. Which is funny because he then called me and said, "you didn't write back to wish me a good day." He said he knew that I needed to hate him, which is a little scary since that's exactly what I was feeling. I guess he knows me too well. After his call, I realized why I was feeling anger. Even though he says he's having a hard time with the guilt, I just hate him for getting on with his life while I can't. Okay, strange again -- Greg just called as I was writing this. I told him what I just wrote, that I don't hate him as a person, I just hate that he gets to move on with his life and I don't. He pointed out that's not entirely true, and I get that, but I can't help feeling this way. And you know what? Anger is so much easier to deal with than hurt. I hate him right now, for hurting me like this. In my head, I know it's not really his fault, he can't help who he loves, but right now, I just need to hate him.

BTW, this is toally the second stage of the grieving process. I was totally in Stage 1, which is denial. Secretly, I kept holding out hope that he would change his mind. But now I'm just like, forget it, I hate him. Anger, Stage 2. If I get to Stage 3, Bargaining, someone please stop me because I do NOT want to be like, "I'll be a better boyfriend if you just come back." If I beg, someone shoot me. Seriously. Can't I just skip ahead to Acceptance???