Update IX
My feelings have been up and down since the last time I blogged. But wait for it... there's a happy ending.
UP... Went to play minigolf with Teddy last night at Camelot. It was a little difficult because it was more "Greg's" turf; he introduced me to the place. But I had fun and Teddy provided a good distraction. And I won. I'm not a complete loser after all!
DOWN... I realized why I keep thinking of Vegas. I think that's when my feelings for Greg really deepened. I didn't even really want to go, but I ended up enjoying every minute of that weekend. It proved to me that I could spend quality time with just Greg and be happy. At the time, Greg said that was one of the best times he ever had in Vegas. I wasn't sure I felt the same, but now, yeah, looking back... it was the best time I ever had.
DOWN... My subconscious hates me. Twice last night I had dreams about being with Greg again and then having him break up with me. So I had that feeling of love and warmth from him again, only to have it ripped away.
UP... I dreaded this morning because I heard it might rain. And Greg and I have a thing for rain. Before leaving the house, I put on the jacket he gave me as a test to see how strong I was. Plus, I was cold. So anyway, I drive to work and it's the most gorgeous day ever. The sun is out, but there are big, beautiful rain clouds in the distance. The air is crisp and cool, a perfect fall day. Though I still can't stomach breakfast, I can finally listen to happy music again. And I felt... empowered. I feel good. I have spent the last 29 years alone. And I used that time alone to stop hating myself and become a person that I like. I'm not about to let that all fall apart now. I'm a little angry at myself for getting so weak. What I need to do now is put all of my Greg memories away in a little box in my head. And then one day I can go back and smile at the thought of them without hurting. For the first time, I feel like I can look forward to the future. I'm not entirely naive -- I know there will still be rough patches ahead. But I feel so much better at the moment. I don't want this feeling to go away.
"And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over
And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am" -- "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson
Um, I think she starts to fall apart at the end of the song, but I prefer to think she stays strong. LOL
UP... Went to play minigolf with Teddy last night at Camelot. It was a little difficult because it was more "Greg's" turf; he introduced me to the place. But I had fun and Teddy provided a good distraction. And I won. I'm not a complete loser after all!
DOWN... I realized why I keep thinking of Vegas. I think that's when my feelings for Greg really deepened. I didn't even really want to go, but I ended up enjoying every minute of that weekend. It proved to me that I could spend quality time with just Greg and be happy. At the time, Greg said that was one of the best times he ever had in Vegas. I wasn't sure I felt the same, but now, yeah, looking back... it was the best time I ever had.
DOWN... My subconscious hates me. Twice last night I had dreams about being with Greg again and then having him break up with me. So I had that feeling of love and warmth from him again, only to have it ripped away.
UP... I dreaded this morning because I heard it might rain. And Greg and I have a thing for rain. Before leaving the house, I put on the jacket he gave me as a test to see how strong I was. Plus, I was cold. So anyway, I drive to work and it's the most gorgeous day ever. The sun is out, but there are big, beautiful rain clouds in the distance. The air is crisp and cool, a perfect fall day. Though I still can't stomach breakfast, I can finally listen to happy music again. And I felt... empowered. I feel good. I have spent the last 29 years alone. And I used that time alone to stop hating myself and become a person that I like. I'm not about to let that all fall apart now. I'm a little angry at myself for getting so weak. What I need to do now is put all of my Greg memories away in a little box in my head. And then one day I can go back and smile at the thought of them without hurting. For the first time, I feel like I can look forward to the future. I'm not entirely naive -- I know there will still be rough patches ahead. But I feel so much better at the moment. I don't want this feeling to go away.
"And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over
And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am" -- "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson
Um, I think she starts to fall apart at the end of the song, but I prefer to think she stays strong. LOL
posted by Ryan at
9:01 AM
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