Update: Final Closure

I think the last time I blogged about Greg, I had stopped talking to him. Well, a few weeks back, I couldn't withhold anymore and contacted him. It made things worse. We tried to maintain a friendship, but it was more like a partial friendship. I only got responses from him while he was at work or when Aaron wasn't around. And when I did hear from him, we often found it difficult to find "safe" subjects. Even the smallest detail about Greg's life with Aaron would eat me up inside afterwards. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but man, even just knowing that Aaron was re-decorating the condo would drive me nuts. Although I loved hearing from Greg, I could tell it was setting me back. I found it comforting just to hear his voice, but it was a temporary sense of relief. Then the pain would set back in. These past few weeks have been difficult. It's hard fighting off depression and that sinking feeling of loss. And that toll started to wear on me and I began taking it out on Greg. Even though I felt I had legitimate reasons to be irritated with him, I knew if this "friendship" continued, I'd end up ruining it with my resentment. The last straw was sending him an angry MySpace message, which he admitted made him cry. And I felt bad. Like, really bad.

So last night I did something close to stalkerish. I waited outside Greg's condo gate and then snuck into the garage after he drove in from work. He was, of course, stunned to see me walk up to him. My legs felt so shaky, I thought I was going to fall over. But it felt good to see him again. He said he knew I would show up one night. He seemed a little wary, but he was kind, sympathetic and open to talking. I gave him a journal I made of our relationship. I wrote down every significant (and not so significant) memory of us that I had. I've been fearing that if I forgot all the good times we had, it would be like our time together never existed ('cause he certainly wasn't going to be thinking about us). But now that I have it written all down, I feel like I don't have to carry around these memories anymore. And they really have been weighing me down. But now I can try to pretend I never met Greg without the fear of truly forgetting all that we shared. I also told Greg that I could no longer be friends anymore. I didn't want whatever friendship we had to be ruined further. I think Greg believes one day we'll be friends once I'm over him. But I feel in my heart that's not going to happen. I don't think I'll ever be okay enough to be friends with him. I need to move on, and once I do, I don't think I'll want to invite all these complicated feelings back into my life. And so that means that last night was the last time I'll ever see Greg. It breaks my heart all over again, but I know it's for the best. He sent me a nice text message this morning to say he read my journal and thought I was brave. But I'm not. I'm afraid to look forward to the future. But I'm trying.