Update: Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

ARGH! I thought not talking to Greg was supposed to help me heal. It seemed to make things a little better last time. But it's so freakin' hard! Maybe it's because now I know it's for good. Last time I figured we could at least be friends down the road, but I don't have that to look forward to anymore. I have too much self-respect to be "friends" with Aaron. That would make me a chump. And besides, it's silly for Greg to insist that we'll be friends when Aaron would never allow him to do that. I think Greg says a lot of things he doesn't mean.

These past few days have been so hard... I can't stop feeling sad! I want to cry, but I can't seem to even get that release. I'm just going through the motions, trying to make it past the holidays. I keep telling myself to enjoy the present and not let all this time pass me by, but it's such a struggle.

One good thing... this experience has really made me appreciate my friends. Everyone's been so great and patient, hearing me whine and complain. And even those who I haven't had one-on-one conversations with about this... who just read this blog... it all helps knowing they sympathize with what I'm going through. And new friends who have given me such great advice and comfort... I don't know how I would've gotten this far without so much support. Even the simple act of just hanging out and providing a distraction encourages me not to give up. I wish that's all I needed to stop feeling sad.

Time Off, Part 2

The rest of my vacation...

TUESDAY

Had the second date at the Abbey. The meatball panini was so good! And the date was good, too! After we ate dinner, we went to Starbucks and then walked around. Hopefully, I'll see him again. We seem to have the same sense of humor. And he's cute. Afterwards, I went to the Grove. They had all their holiday decorations up. The gingerbread house is very cute. It put me in a good mood. I also spotted Michael Chiklis (from The Sheild and Fantastic Four) hanging out with his family.

WEDNESDAY

Had a productive day shopping at Brea Mall... for myself! Everything I was looking for was there, and mostly on sale. The A&F t-shirt I wanted, the Express shirt, the Madonna calendar, the socks... And then later that night, Haeran, Curtiz, Billie and I saw "Enchanted." I've been waiting forever to see this one. The movie was silly, but cute. I thought all the lead actors were great, especially Amy Adams and James Marsden.

THURSDAY

I had Thanksgiving lunch with my dad's side of the family and then my brother and his family came over for a light dinner. We played chicken foot afterwards. It was a nice day except I kept thinking about how nice it would've been if I had been able to invite Greg over. Grrr.

FRIDAY

Haeran, Billie, Ellen, Teddy and I went to a couple of bars in Long Beach. We drove by Puka, but were scared off by the vespa-riding crowd. So we went to Gaslamp (per Mark's recommendation) which was cool. They had an 80s cover band. I was horrified/amused by a strange little gay man who danced with abandon with some tall blonde girl. Later, we went to a sports bar near downtown.

SATURDAY

Billie and I had dinner at our favorite sushi place, but were displeased to find that it had a C rating. But we ate there anyway. Then we met up with Christine at a hooka bar, which was kinda cool. We got Gauva and Kiwi Strawberry flavors, but I still think they gave us the wrong flavor for the latter. Christine shared some exciting/sad news... And then Billie and I were gonna meet Hadley at the Abbey, but she ended up going home and I met him at Nate's. Nate, Max, Ian, Ryan, Ryan, Hadley and I played Mario Party (I came in dead last every time) and then played a board game called Catchphrase. Asian Ryan, Max and I won! To complete the trifecta of my favorite things, we later watched Project Runway (I love my reality tv). It was a fun night.

SUNDAY

Had an aborted encounter with some guy... and then met up with Billie for Guppy. Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm almost looking forward to it... it's been a hard time off. Why can't I stop feeling sad? And why can't I stop feeling like I can't breathe?

Since I don't have pics to go with my stories, here are two random ones from Paigie's bday party a couple weeks ago.

I like this last one because it's so random. There's Alisa behind me having herself a good ol' time and then there's Billie apparently grooming me on the dance floor. Did I have lice?

Time Off, Part I

FRIDAY
Had dinner with Teddy, Birju and Billie at CPK at the Cerritos mall. Sephora is now open and I can more easily buy my Jonathon Dirt Product. Yay. Later that night, I met up with a guy who seemed pretty cool...

SATURDAY
Had really good dim sum at Empress Pavillion. Then napped. Then gym. Then went to Versailles with Haeran and Billie, met up with Ellen and her date at a club/bar called Busby's or something like that. Haeran, Billie and I were initially hesitant because it looked fancy and hip-hoppy, but it turned out to be a cool place. They had a ping pong table, board games and other fun stuff. We played Scattergories and two random guys joined in. Ellen gave me the new Alicia Keys CD, and it's awesome.

SUNDAY
Kind of a chill day. Caught up on Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives. Dinner with family. Saw Billie at the gym. Tried to use her jump rope but felt incredibly uncoordinated, so I gave up.

MONDAY
Didn't do much today other than the gym and meeting David for dinner at El Torito. Major depression today. Almost felt like I couldn't breathe at some points. Missing Greg like mad. And feeling angry. It's strange, I feel like I really do hate him. Not a great feeling. I resent him for moving on with his life, which is rotten of me, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I have a second date with the promising guy from Friday. Hope that snaps me out of it. Having time off isn't much fun when you're sad. It gives you too much time to think. I just have to keep reminding myself that Greg isn't the kind of guy who is right for me. But it's hard.

Update: Final Closure

I think the last time I blogged about Greg, I had stopped talking to him. Well, a few weeks back, I couldn't withhold anymore and contacted him. It made things worse. We tried to maintain a friendship, but it was more like a partial friendship. I only got responses from him while he was at work or when Aaron wasn't around. And when I did hear from him, we often found it difficult to find "safe" subjects. Even the smallest detail about Greg's life with Aaron would eat me up inside afterwards. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but man, even just knowing that Aaron was re-decorating the condo would drive me nuts. Although I loved hearing from Greg, I could tell it was setting me back. I found it comforting just to hear his voice, but it was a temporary sense of relief. Then the pain would set back in. These past few weeks have been difficult. It's hard fighting off depression and that sinking feeling of loss. And that toll started to wear on me and I began taking it out on Greg. Even though I felt I had legitimate reasons to be irritated with him, I knew if this "friendship" continued, I'd end up ruining it with my resentment. The last straw was sending him an angry MySpace message, which he admitted made him cry. And I felt bad. Like, really bad.

So last night I did something close to stalkerish. I waited outside Greg's condo gate and then snuck into the garage after he drove in from work. He was, of course, stunned to see me walk up to him. My legs felt so shaky, I thought I was going to fall over. But it felt good to see him again. He said he knew I would show up one night. He seemed a little wary, but he was kind, sympathetic and open to talking. I gave him a journal I made of our relationship. I wrote down every significant (and not so significant) memory of us that I had. I've been fearing that if I forgot all the good times we had, it would be like our time together never existed ('cause he certainly wasn't going to be thinking about us). But now that I have it written all down, I feel like I don't have to carry around these memories anymore. And they really have been weighing me down. But now I can try to pretend I never met Greg without the fear of truly forgetting all that we shared. I also told Greg that I could no longer be friends anymore. I didn't want whatever friendship we had to be ruined further. I think Greg believes one day we'll be friends once I'm over him. But I feel in my heart that's not going to happen. I don't think I'll ever be okay enough to be friends with him. I need to move on, and once I do, I don't think I'll want to invite all these complicated feelings back into my life. And so that means that last night was the last time I'll ever see Greg. It breaks my heart all over again, but I know it's for the best. He sent me a nice text message this morning to say he read my journal and thought I was brave. But I'm not. I'm afraid to look forward to the future. But I'm trying.

Halloween Scavenger Hunt 2007: Team One

Here are pics of each team...

Team One: Ian, Marie, Paigie and Haeran. They won. I guess.

Team Two: Max, Davey, Nate and Ellen. They came in second.

Team Three: Billie, Eric, Ryan R. and Ryan Q. They came in, um, last.

Here are Team One's pics:

Ian pretends he's a very large woman.

Their group pic... did we know there was a stranger with a knife in the background???

A very questionable broomstick.

That's a big knife! Watch your back, Haeran...

This pic makes me laugh. How cute!

I think Ian poked his eye out with his own sword.




Ugly Betty and a wicked witch.

Ian kinda looks like Tina Turner.

Halloween Scavenger Hunt 2007: Team Three

So we held the second Halloween Hunt last week... My team consisted of Ryan R., Eric L., Billie C. and me. I made up the rules for the game, and then mistakenly didn't follow them. But as Ryan R. said, we had fun trying. Here are some pic highlights... I will post the other two teams once I get their pics.



Eric is a broomstick riding ER doctor.









Billie makes a sexy little witch.


Ryan made a new friend.



Happy Halloween!




It's our book club meeting... the works of Edgar Alan Poe.

Ryan's "bloody" face. I'll admit it. I punched him.

The violence continues... does Eric not look entirely maniacal?

Eric's smiling so big because we are trying to cheat.

Halloween 2007

These blog entries will be out of order, but I'm waiting to collect pics from the scavenger hunt and pumpkin carving party. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite pics from West Hollywood...

I know I said I'd never go to Weho again for Halloween, but this year I arrived early and so parking/traffic was a relative breeze. Got inside the Abbey in like 3 minutes.

A homemade Transformer costume

If only there were really 300 of them.

Smurfette was really friendly. Even though she was made by Gargamel.

Thank you for being a friend... Doesn't "Dorothy" look just like Bea Arthur? I guess it doesn't take much for a man to look like her, but still...

Thought this was cute. You have to read the sign.

One of many Britneys that night.

Hadley and I at Jasen's before heading out.

I like this one because it shows how completely wasted Nate was.

I think this is Uncle Fester getting hugged by a demon. Or getting humped by one.

Fake cops meet real cops. Can you guess which is which? Btw, the cops and firemen were the biggest hams ever. They all loved getting their pictures taken with people. It was cute.

My favorite pic. Can you guess why? But look closely at his chest (as if you weren't going to already). The writing is what makes this the funniest costume of the night (you have to know about Mickey's to get it). Added bonus? The guy was pretty nice.