Update: Happiness?

As I mentioned below, today went pretty well. I even felt a little hopeful... and I found a sense of empowerment from two bizarre places...

1. I was listening to the radio and Paula Cole came on and said she doesn't want to wait for our lives to be over. I was like, "Yeah, Paula, you're right. If your words of wisdom were good enough for Dawson Leary, then they're good enough for me." I was ready to go into seclusion for at least the rest of the year, but now I realize I want to move on. NOW. I don't have time to waste being sad or depressed.

2. I watched Sunday's "Desperate Housewives." And in a sad little scene with poignant music playing in the background, a vulnerable Gabby said this: "I need a man who cares enough to explode when he thinks he's going to lose me." As much as I loved Greg... he was obviously not that man. I want that man. I might even deserve that man.

Do I still love Greg? Hell, yes. But now I want to move on. And that's what's been holding me back. So now I just have to find the guy who's going to smash a wine glass when I flirt with Nathan Fillion. Actually... I'd really just like to find Nathan Fillion.

Update: Quick Look to the Past Before Looking Forward

Today was Day One of cutting ties to Greg. It went well. I only felt a deep sadness for about 2 hours... which is a vast improvement, believe me. I actually had a few moments of hope and inspiration, too, which I will blog in a separate entry. I want this to be one last look to the past.

One night a couple months back, Greg asked me what I loved about him (after, of course, he told me what he loved about me). I hadn't given it much thought and I fumbled for an all-encompassing answer, settling for a vauge "your kind heart." Even at the time, I knew I had other reasons, but they seemed too small, too insignificant a response for such a large question. Now that I've had the time to think them through -- and boy, have I had time -- I want to list just a few things I did love about him, no matter how small or idiosyncratic. I've been thinking about this list ever since he left me, but today was the first day I could think about it and not hurt. Instead, I can sit back and kinda smile.

What I loved about Greg was...

1. His big, expressive eyes. Especially when he gave me his puppy dog eyes. I'd roll my eyes when he'd do it, but in actuality, they got me every time. When I saw sadness in his eyes, it'd break my heart. But when he was happy and excited, his eyes would light up and it made me smile.

2. When we rough-housed and I was able to pin him down, he'd sort of whimper "please" so that I'd let him up. That also rated high on my smile meter.

3. The way he'd look when he was sleepy or asleep. He looked adorable with his eyes half open. And sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and look at him sleeping peacefully. I often thought of how lucky I was to be there.

4. The way he got along with all my friends. Could not have been more important to me.

5. The way he'd make little noises under his breath when he was thinking. Towards the end, I picked up that habit and I totally denied it when he called me on it. But it stuck.

6. The way he always got his fingers messy while he ate.

7. That he knew the difference between when I was being stubborn just to be stubborn and when I really meant it. For instance, I insisted I didn't need a Voodoo Baby at ComicCon... but he got me one anyway. Yeah... I did want it. I just didn't want him to go through the trouble.

8. The way we could just simply pass the time playing cards or even hearts online. I could have done that until we were old and gray.

9. That we had lots of adventures (Vegas, San Diego, Palm Desert) but also really nice quiet moments (spending an afternoon in bed watching Wonder Woman).

10. The way he would ask himself a question and then answer it. "Do I like cheesecake? (Thoughtful beat) Yeah, I do."

11. His lips.

12. His kind heart. I guess I really did nail it the first time.

Update: Letting Go

I haven't blogged in about a week. One reason is that I didn't feel I had anything new to say. It was the same old hurt, the same old feelings. The other reason is... I didn't want the last happy entry I wrote about Greg and me to get kicked off the front page of my blog. I wanted a reminder of how happy I was because I haven't been happy since Greg broke up with me.

But today I'm letting go. The San Diego pics will probably get bumped and it's probably best that way. This morning, Greg told me he spent the weekend helping Aaron move in. He finally clarified that he WANTED Aaron to move in. I guess I've been feeling like maybe Greg was being manipulated and that I needed to fight for him, protect him from "Big Bad Aaron." But Greg's admission finally made me see that whether Aaron is a good guy or a bad guy, this is what Greg wants. Greg wants Aaron. Not me. And I told Greg what probably hurts most is that I loved him so much, but he was able to turn his feelings off for me so quickly. I makes me feel foolish. And hurt beyond anything else I've ever felt in my life.

So I decided I can't see him anymore. I only make him feel bad, and I don't want to be seen as a burden. And having contact with him only makes me love him more. I wanted to see Greg in person one last time, but he doesn't feel he can pull himself together for it. He admits it's selfish and it makes me kinda mad, but that's how things go. I messaged him, saying I wish I could have him in my life, but I'm not strong enough to be just his friend. I'm barely strong enough imagining him with Aaron. I wrote that I loved him. I wanted that to be the last thing I said to him.

I guess this is where I really have to move on now. I'm trying to forget all my memories of Greg because they just hurt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in love with him because I'll only be reminded of what I've lost. Or maybe I never had it to begin with. Maybe what I should take away from this is that Greg obviously wasn't the right person for me. Because the right person would have stilled loved me. So now I just... wait. Wait until the hurt fades, wait until someone new comes along. Right now though... this HURTS LIKE HELL.

Update XVI

It's been one week since this whole nightmare began. I'm pretty damn sure it was the worst week of my life. I can't believe how quickly everything went from good to bad. How sad and empty my life became over so short a time. One minute I'm trying to think of a Halloween costume for Greg and the next, I'm wracked with pain over the sight of a Happy Birthday sign he put up over my bed.

I went on a date today. Just met up for yogurt with this Korean guy. He was nice and cute and so... "straight." I thought it would be difficult to go on a date, but it was actually okay. He definitely had potential, but my heart wasn't quite in it. This made me realize... I don't WANT to get over Greg yet. I know it's entirely self-destructive because this hurts so bad. But I don't want to stop loving him. I think it's been a mistake to keep pushing myself to get over him so fast. I need to allow myself a little more time to just grieve. Grieve for what was, what is and what could have been. Yeah, I'll hurt, but it's been too hard a struggle to keep myself from feeling hurt. I think I just need to let the hurt sink in and work itself out. Yeah... so that's the new plan.

Update XV

Woke up from another sad dream this morning, feeling lonely. Luckily, it woke me up at a decent hour this time. 'Cause I know by now I can't go back to sleep once my mind starts going. For some reason, I re-read some old MySpace messages from Greg. I guess I must like to torture myself. I really don't think we can be friends anymore. As much as I would hate to never see him again, I can't be just his friend. It's too hard. I'll probably change my mind again in the next 24 hours... I still feel totally schizo. I still have anger worked up against Greg. It takes a lot of energy though. Sigh.

Update XIV

So as luck would have it, just as I was able to fall asleep again, Greg called (in a moment of weakness, I texted him at 9:30 asking to talk). He was visiting his ex-in-laws. We talked and I tried to be strong and be fine, but this sucks. It really does. And then we hung up and he wrote a text saying he hopes I have a good Saturday. I stared at the message and for 20 minutes, tried to decide what to write back. And I felt anger. I'm not sure why, but I just felt like I hated him. Which is funny because he then called me and said, "you didn't write back to wish me a good day." He said he knew that I needed to hate him, which is a little scary since that's exactly what I was feeling. I guess he knows me too well. After his call, I realized why I was feeling anger. Even though he says he's having a hard time with the guilt, I just hate him for getting on with his life while I can't. Okay, strange again -- Greg just called as I was writing this. I told him what I just wrote, that I don't hate him as a person, I just hate that he gets to move on with his life and I don't. He pointed out that's not entirely true, and I get that, but I can't help feeling this way. And you know what? Anger is so much easier to deal with than hurt. I hate him right now, for hurting me like this. In my head, I know it's not really his fault, he can't help who he loves, but right now, I just need to hate him.

BTW, this is toally the second stage of the grieving process. I was totally in Stage 1, which is denial. Secretly, I kept holding out hope that he would change his mind. But now I'm just like, forget it, I hate him. Anger, Stage 2. If I get to Stage 3, Bargaining, someone please stop me because I do NOT want to be like, "I'll be a better boyfriend if you just come back." If I beg, someone shoot me. Seriously. Can't I just skip ahead to Acceptance???

Update XIII

Total setback! I had another stupid dream. I dreamt that I ran into Greg, and he kept going on and on about how happy he and Aaron were. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't keep saying how great things were, that things are perfect now. It got so bad that it woke me up and I haven't been able to fall back asleep (9am for a Saturday morning is unheard of for me). I do want Greg to be happy and everything, but I guess this proves I just don't want to hear all about it. I'm driving myself insane with jealousy, thinking about how Greg is probably waking up in Aaron's bed this morning. I didn't know jealousy could hurt this much. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep now, but I had to write about this one first. Yay, weekends! LOL

Update XII

Friday night. Had dinner with David, Mark and Haeran, then we saw the Ben Stiller comedy, "The Heartbreak Kid." The movie was just okay, but I had fun. Then we went to Chili's for beer and sweet shots. Now it's 12:30am... kinda lonely. I knew weekend nights would be hard. Think I might sleep early. This sucks again. It's too bad because the day was pretty good... I miss him. A lot.

Update XI

Today's been interesting in that I miss Greg, but not in a "I-wanna-slit-my-wrists" kinda way. Even though I've been sitting around thinking about him, most of the memories just make me smile. Probably not more than 2 minutes go by before I think of him again. Yet, I am content. Well, maybe more like sad, but peacefully sad. Haha... I don't know how to explain it, but it sure beats the past few days. Not seeing him this weekend might be tough. We'll see. I do have to stop myself from texting him all day. I want to chat with him, but I don't want to be overbearing. He's moving on with his life, and I suppose I have to do the same.

I used to frown upon the way he always got his fingers so messy when he ate, especially with ketchup. I never got a chance to mention it, but in the last couple months... I kinda grew to think it was cute. LOL

Update X

Greg called on his way to work to check in and make sure everything's okay. I loved hearing his voice again. Makes my heart jump a little. And it didn't even make me sad. Wistful, maybe, but not sad. I'm still in a good mood. I do wish I was spending the weekend with him, but that's okay. This is progress.

Update IX

My feelings have been up and down since the last time I blogged. But wait for it... there's a happy ending.

UP... Went to play minigolf with Teddy last night at Camelot. It was a little difficult because it was more "Greg's" turf; he introduced me to the place. But I had fun and Teddy provided a good distraction. And I won. I'm not a complete loser after all!

DOWN... I realized why I keep thinking of Vegas. I think that's when my feelings for Greg really deepened. I didn't even really want to go, but I ended up enjoying every minute of that weekend. It proved to me that I could spend quality time with just Greg and be happy. At the time, Greg said that was one of the best times he ever had in Vegas. I wasn't sure I felt the same, but now, yeah, looking back... it was the best time I ever had.

DOWN... My subconscious hates me. Twice last night I had dreams about being with Greg again and then having him break up with me. So I had that feeling of love and warmth from him again, only to have it ripped away.

UP... I dreaded this morning because I heard it might rain. And Greg and I have a thing for rain. Before leaving the house, I put on the jacket he gave me as a test to see how strong I was. Plus, I was cold. So anyway, I drive to work and it's the most gorgeous day ever. The sun is out, but there are big, beautiful rain clouds in the distance. The air is crisp and cool, a perfect fall day. Though I still can't stomach breakfast, I can finally listen to happy music again. And I felt... empowered. I feel good. I have spent the last 29 years alone. And I used that time alone to stop hating myself and become a person that I like. I'm not about to let that all fall apart now. I'm a little angry at myself for getting so weak. What I need to do now is put all of my Greg memories away in a little box in my head. And then one day I can go back and smile at the thought of them without hurting. For the first time, I feel like I can look forward to the future. I'm not entirely naive -- I know there will still be rough patches ahead. But I feel so much better at the moment. I don't want this feeling to go away.

"And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no

Wake up
Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am" -- "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson

Um, I think she starts to fall apart at the end of the song, but I prefer to think she stays strong. LOL

Finally an entry not about Greg

OMG, I am A STUPID FUCK. My producer asked me for a show number for when a story point happened. I told her off the top of my head what I thought it was and she was like, "If you're right, that's scary." And I said, "Yeah, if I'm right I just might have to kill myself." Today, everyone at the show went the funeral of a casting director who committed suicide. I AM A THOUGHTLESS ASS.

Update VIII

For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the trip to Vegas I took with Greg. That one really hurts. Having memories can such a blessing and at other times, a total curse. Reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Can't decide whether I would erase my memories to feel better. It's an interesting thought.

Update VII

I've been messaging Greg this morning over text. We have two rules:

1. I can't say I miss him.
2. I want to know that he's happy with Aaron, but he can't tell me specifics. For example, he can not say, "Today, Aaron and I held hands and skipped through the park."

It's going okay. This morning, I had a flashback of us in Vegas and I had a total panic attack of desperation where I wanted to say, "I NEED YOU BACK!" but just sending him a regular message helped. He still feels really bad, and here's what's interesting. I find it easier to be happy for his sake rather than for my own. I don't want him to feel bad that I'm sad, and forcing myself to be happy for his benefit comes much easier. I know, I'm sick.

Small Thought II

I am, by NO MEANS, suicidal, but if Death happened to wander by and knock on my door, I think I'd answer it with a shrug and be like, "Let's go, I think I'm done here anyway."

I hope you find the humor in that because it made me kinda laugh.

Update VI

Okay, the dream really messed me up. But so did this: on my way to work I suddenly remembered seeing the song "White Flag" on Greg's MySpace page a week or so ago. My heart sank, but it didn't dawn on me why. I was going to ask him why he put it up, but I never got around to it. Now I realize the meaning of it... he put it up because it reflected how he hadn't given up on his love for Aaron.

And so began my tearful hour plus commute to work. I decided to go all out and play my playlist of sad songs. It was pretty pathetic. I cried.

"Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul cries
Heaving heart is full of pain
All of the aching" -- "Kissing You"

"I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete" -- "Incomplete"

"Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time" -- "Come What May"

"Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm" -- "It Must Have Been Love"

The one I couldn't get through was a music score called "...And Then I Kissed Him" which kinda had special meaning for Greg and me.

Small Thought

This year on my birthday, for the first time, I did not make a wish when I blew out my candles because I felt like I had everything I wanted. Well, that was a waste of a birthday wish, now wasn't it?

Update V

Small setback.

Last night it still took me a while to fall asleep. But even though I was sad, I wasn't actively hurting anymore. Then this morning this whole thing crept into an otherwise peaceful dream. Last night I texted Christine that Greg had loved me... he just loved Aaron more. And in my dream, a certain point was driven home to me. He loved me -- past tense. He now only cares about me as a friend, not loves me romantically. And that loss jolted me awake at 6:05am and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. After the meeting last night I thought maybe he and I could be just friends. But now I'm not so sure. I can't stand to think of him looking at me and not see love in his eyes. I don't think I can see him and not want to hug him or hold him or kiss him. I hope I CAN get to a place where we can be friends because I also can't imagine not seeing him again. But if I can't get there, I know he'll still always have a special place in my heart. Argh. The hurt came back a little. The villainy.

Update IV

So I met with Greg tonight after work. I tried to be upbeat and normal because I didn't want him to feel bad. I had a million questions and a million things to say but I kept drawing a blank. It was reassuring to hear him say certain things, even though I already knew them. I think most important to me was that he said it was a difficult decision for him to make. And I believe him. I saw true pain in his eyes and it tore me up. I feel bad that he feels bad (he couldn't sleep the night before because he felt so guilty). I just want him to be happy. Of course, I wish I was the one who could make him happy. But I got all the answers I was looking for. The hardest thing for me to say was that I loved him. It was important for me to say the words out loud to him, but man, that was difficult. He loved me, too. I know that. That's what makes it hard... I can't imagine anyone loving me like he did. I never did understand why he loved me. But it felt good. I hope I'll always remember that feeling. I nearly got away without crying, but then he had to go and hug me. That killed. I had to walk out of the room. But I came back and we played cards one last time. That meant a lot to me. Silly, I know, but it did. Okay, I also left a little bit in tears (the last hug good-bye), but mostly I think it went well. We ended on good terms and I feel much more at peace. I am losing my best friend, but seeing him gave me hope that maybe I can be friends with him in the future. I'll need time, especially before I see him with Aaron. Oh, I'm also proud of myself for not saying, "If things don't work out with Aaron..." because even though I was dying to, I didn't want to look desperate. I wish he hadn't seen me cry. But otherwise, it was good.

And afterwards I went out with Mark and David. Thank GOD. It made me feel normal. I had a good time, laughed -- like really laughed and forgot about what I was missing. Maybe there is hope for me. I guess the real test now comes as I sit here by myself, alone with my thoughts of Greg. I can't think of my future just yet because all I see is emptiness. But like an alcoholic, I'll just concentrate on the day at hand and no further. I think I just might be able to sleep tonight. I hope Greg sleeps well tonight, too.

Famous First Words

May 5, 2007

Ryan at Kavita's birthday party talking about his first date with a guy named Greg.

Ryan: "Yeah, so he was normal and nice. I really liked him -- which can only mean he'll break my heart."

Update III

This is the longest day EVER. I can't concentrate on work. I can't bear the thought of coming into work and not having Greg to look forward to seeing after. More than anything, I will miss hanging out at his apartment, just watching TV.

Bad side effects of the breakup:

I can only think of myself right now and how much I hurt. God forbid if I have to think of anyone else but myself.

I think I'm scaring people off. Coworker Sarah sent me an email to see how my day is and I told her my boyfriend dumped me for his ex. I have not heard back from her.

Good side effects of the breakup:

I can't eat. And a non-eating Ryan is a thinner Ryan.

I'm trying to come up with a second good side effect... I can't. *sniffle*

Update: Sarah came up and gave me a hug. Love her.

Update II

Greg agreed to meet with me for the last time tonight. I'm nervous. I have a million things I want to say, but I need the strength to get through it. Naturally, my first instinct is to plead, "Please love me. Don't love Aaron." But I'd shoot myself first. I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I don't want to end up a bawling mess. I want to say good-bye with a small ounce of dignity. I want to thank him for the good times we had. I want him to know how much I'll miss him. I can already see a difference in the way he talks to me. He sounds like a friend. Which to me, is like a stranger. And it kills me to know that over time, he will continue to become more and more of a stranger. I won't know what's going on in his life. What's killing me even more is thinking about all the things we won't do together now. We both love Halloween and I was looking forward to the scavenger hunt with him. San Diego in a few weeks. Palm Springs in November, Las Vegas in December. I hope I don't forget to tell him anything because I don't want to bug him too much after. I want this to end well. Oh. And I want a hug. I want a fucking hug.

Update

Okay, last night was rough. Couldn't sleep, woke up with a headache from crying. Oh yeah, so I've cried now. Talking about it makes me cry. And yet I feel compelled to talk about it. So far I've talked to Billie, Christine, Haeran and Ellen and everyone has been fantastic. Still makes me cry and that's humiliating, but oh well. Eric wrote a very nice email, and David and Kavita and Paigie sent nice texts. I'm feeding off sympathy right now. LOL. I've also discovered that I get a perverse joy out of appearing super chipper with my coworkers. Like I've never been happier. Maybe I'm fooling my body into thinking I'm happy. Only problem is that I'm babbling with them like an idiot and I don't know what I'm really saying. I just know I need to keep the smile up because if I stop smiling I will cry. So now I'm sure my coworkers think I'm a fucking moron. I was happy before Greg, right? I wonder if that's true now. Can't remember if that's true or if it was just a facade. If you're wondering if all my posts are going to be despressing from now on... yes... yes, they will. This helps me. A little. Smile =)

Greg Broke Up with Me

i don't want to have to repeat the details several times, so here it is...

SUNDAY
8pm... I text Greg to ask how he's feeling. He got drunk the night before with his family and had a bad hangover. He's working a Sunday shift from 4-9pm. He doesn't write back.

11pm... I call Greg to see how his day went. Get voicemail, left a message.

12am... I'm in a panic because Greg hasn't called or texted me. I fear that he got mugged outside of work. All these thoughts run through my head.

12:30am... I debate driving to his place to see if he's okay. Maybe he just fell straight asleep after coming home... I feel sick to my stomach.

1:30am... After I fall into a restless sleep, Greg texts me. Said he had a meeting with his ex-domestic partner, Aaron. Apparently it was ugly. He calls me. He sounds very upset. Says he needs a break from us. Says Aaron wants to sue him for his pension and his condo, doesn't want me involved. He says he feels ashamed. He has a meeting with lawyers and Aaron the next day. I'm confused, but decide not to argue the point until tomorrow.

MONDAY
1pm... I send him a text like we always do during the day. He writes back that he can't handle talking to me right now. I have a really bad knot in my stomach for the rest of the day. I can't concentrate.

6pm... I leave work right on time to go buy him a Curious George doll (he once mentioned he liked him) and leave the doll and a note outside his apartment door, saying I want to be by his side while he goes through this. I don't want a break. I write that I love him. I know that he's at the meeting, so I don't expect to hear back.

TUESDAY
4pm... I ask to meet Greg tonight to discuss what's going on. I need a better explanation in person if it's the end of our relationship. I hope at worst, it's just a break, but I can't understand why he wouldn't be able to go through it with me. He writes back, says he's not a good person, doesn't want to talk until he pulls himself together. The "good person" remark sticks with me. I ask him when he thinks he'll feel better. Days, weeks, months? No response. Finally, suspicious, I ask, "Are you getting back together with Aaron?" No reponse. I realize if that was NOT the truth, he would've written back immediately.

7:30pm... I drive out to Greg's apartment, but call first. I get his voicemail. I say I'll be there at 8. The knot in my stomach is killing me. I fear that maybe the stress from Aaron's lawsuit might have made him do something drastic, like hurt himself. I think of how I'll get into the apartment to check on him if he isn't there.

8pm... Greg is not there. The Curious George doll and letter are still sitting outside his door. I'm in total fear. I call him. This time he answers. He sounds cold. He says he's not there. He asks if I'm okay. I say no. Finally, he tells me the truth: a couple weeks ago he realized he still had feelings for Aaron. They were reconfirmed on Sunday when he saw him. Aaron wants him back. He even sort of said he'd drop the suit if Greg would take him back. Greg realizes he wants Aaron back, too. I'm too stunned to say anything. It's so hard to collect my thoughts. I don't want to cry, but manage to ask if Greg had seen Aaron before Sunday. He says no and I know he's telling the truth. He assures me it's not me and feels awful. He says he has to go, gets off the phone rather quick.

I leave the doll and note at his place. I get back to my car, expecting to cry. All I can do is more or less dry heave. I feel a little better. But I can't seem to cry. I still haven't cried. Instead, that knot in my stomach has also spread to my heart. My heart hurts. Physically. It's true, I think you can feel your heart break. I can't hate Greg. I hate me. I hate that I couldn't hold onto his love. I hate that I never said in person that I loved him. I hate that I'll probably never see him again. And I hate the thought he'll be happy with someone else. My head is pounding, my heart is pounding. I guess I'm devastated. I'll be okay though. I know this sounds incredibly emotional, but I'll be okay. I don't know why I haven't cried. Anyway, thanks for reading.